What’s Up Bra?

I remember in the ’70s when Charlie’s Angels came out, and there was Jaclyn Smith in the opening credits in that white swimsuit. I wanted that swimsuit, but my mother told me I didn’t have anything to hold it up. The almost Fifth grade me didn’t think to retort that the strings would hold it up. However, that comment would be one I would come back to her several times in my life. I would show her something and say I have enough to hold it up and she would tell me, “You have too much now.”

When I would go to town with my Gram to get her hair done at Krauss on Canal Street in New Orleans, the ladies lingerie department was in front of the salon. I remember seeing bras that were like double J. I was amazed even though I was still wearing a training bra. By the way, what is the real purpose of a training bra? What are you preparing yourself for? The elastic torture that will be in your future or is that no one sees your little breast buds? Whatever it is pretty ridiculous.

Over the summer of seventh and eighth grade, I blossomed. My friends said they were members of the IBTC and well I was a member of the DPC. “DPC?” I asked. “There response was, “The Dolly PartonCommitteee.” Nice, but now thinking back junior high girls can be kind of bratty.

Even though I was a Tom Boy back, then some of the boys only saw my Boobs. One guy thought it was hysterical to run up to me and loudly proclaim, “Fogs rolling in!” and the first time he got away with a grab the next time he got slapped. However, he still continued to try.

So while my girls got all the attention, I was a C cup in eighth grade, no one mentions that by developing so fast you get something else, stretch marks. Yes, while everyone was marveling at my growth spurt, I was dealing with something that pregnant women have to deal with. No amount of cocoa butter was going to fix the problem.

After high school, my stepfather would make comments that more than a mouthful was a waste. Class act what can I say.

I know what, am I complaining about woman pay big money for what I have. I’m not complaining, at least not yet. When I was in my early twenties I was a double D.  I would put on a push-up bra not that I really needed to and a halter dress and thought I looked great. However, if I went out with my friends on a Friday night, they would walk behind me just to watch people stare and occasionally tell them they were real. Oh, the magnificent breasts. Even if I had a turtleneck on when I was talking to a guy, quite a few of them would be talking to my chest. Sure it’s funny to be sexy, but I wanted to be more than my boobs.

When I was getting married the first time I remember going to a Bridal shop and trying on Wedding dresses and most of them wouldn’t fit. Hell in ninth grade I couldn’t close the back of my Mother’s Wedding gown. Like with my Mom’s they wouldn’t close. I  remember a girl who was less endowed telling me how I was so lucky. I looked at her as if she were mad. “How am I lucky?”

“You have cleavage,” was her response.

I just laughed at her and said, “I’d rather be you as you can try on whatever you want, and it fits.”

A total grass is always a greener moment there.

Another fun thing is when you wear a tank top, and it drapes, and a cashier looks at you and smiles and says; “When are you due?’

You didn’t think you looked like you were wearing a maternity top when you got dressed and it takes a lot to restrain yourself, but your anger comes out in your words anyway. “I’m not!”

This sticks with you, and you vow never to wear the shirt again, well at least not out in public.

Being big breasted is not fun for fashion. You find a great blouse oh it buttons but it puckers, and there is an opening revealing your bra. When you’re wearing it, you look like you about to burst into superhero mode and pop out. Which has happened and let’s talk about the genius who invented the one front clasp close bra when I was a C cup this was still not a good idea. Nothing like moving a certain way and it’s like someone scream release the hounds. You have to find a way to make a quick retreat somewhere to rearrange the girls and try to not act embarrassed when you come back.

There are so many things that the breasticles keep you from doing when it comes to exercise. A good sports bra can help some, but specific yoga poses become near impossible. Even when I could, running wasn’t the most fun thing for me to do.

My very first cattle call audition was for something that I was glad I didn’t get. It was for a law office suing for breast implant problems. I remember thinking great if I get this and my career takes off I’m going to be explaining this for the rest of my career.  However, being busty allowed me the opportunity to play a drunk ex-porn star in a comedy that never made it to air as well as a woman who talked to her boobs to make them grow. Once again another comedy skit that never made it to air.

Another fun story I had was when I was shopping years ago with my second hubby at J.C.Penny. We were in a checkout area, and this woman had a button about free bra fitting. Awesome, I had gained a little and thought it would be great to get a properly fitting bra. (I should’ve gone to Lane Bryant.) So I walk up to her, and she says sure no problem. I tell her I’m a 42 DD. This should go easy enough right. I take my shirt off she measures and looks at me with a straight face and tells me that I’m a 52A.

Are you f’ing kidding me? I don’t think I’ve ever been an A-cup except maybe when I was ten. I tell her I don’t think that’s right, again stressing my starting point. By the third time, she tells me I’m a 44B. I just looked at her smiled and said Thanks. When I walked back out with wide eyes, I looked at my hubby. “What’s wrong?”He asked.

“Did you know, I’m a 52A, no wait a 44B.”

His response was perfect, “I’m a guy and know that you are may more than an A or a B cup.”

I should’ve asked the woman for her button right there before she embarrassed herself with someone else.

Another not so fun thing is the Summer. It’s just as hot wearing a bra and well it’s just so hot not wearing one. There is just no winning.

When I look back to be in my late twenties, I wish I would’ve taken up my female primary care doctor when she asked if I had back or neck problems from being so large. At the time I didn’t, but man was she right. As I’ve aged and gained weight and lost weight and gained again. Usually, it’s the first place I gain it has taken its toll on my back and neck. The funny thing is woman doctors see the correlation male doctors not so much. Even my orthopedist doesn’t see it. I mean one of my Doctors called them fun bags. Is it that they are so blinded by their sight of them as sexual objects that they don’t get it. I don’t know.

My neck and upper back got so bad that I went to wearing a sports bra for a while. Now looking back I had Uni Boob from it. Years ago I purchased a sexy bra that made them look like they did when I was in my twenties, this gave me a secret smile. A month ago we went to a Birthday party for a friend and even though we didn’t stay long I opted to wear my special bra. I actually had a guy ask me if they were real. When fifty is knocking on the door, and you get a compliment like that you feel pretty good. Though I also thought the guy was a bit pervy, there is that fine line.

However, it got me to thinking that maybe if I went with something a little more supportive it might help. So yes, my size went up. I love how it can be a triple D or F depending on the bra. Anyway, I ended up with a few different ones, so I don’t kill my back. My Chiro notices the change and well there is still pain, but I was in pain before if this at least gets rid of the uni-boob and makes me look a little better I can feel a bit better about myself.

I still have to ask, though, why do woman pay so much money on getting gigantic tits?

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