The First Reading I Ever Had - The Fear That Lead to Insta-Love

I remember when I was 20; I had all the ideas of who I’d be. Me and my best friend and I were going to move to Dallas to form a band. Since I had gotten my bass guitar at 18, that was the dream. While I had been in other bands, things happened and they never stayed together.

One day, the bestie and I got readings. For me, it was something I had always wanted to do. As a kid, I had sat many times in The Bottom of the Cup reading room in New Orleans, while my mom had a reading done.

While the reading was taped, there is only one thing I remember asking. I asked if I was going to travel the world and be a big rock star. Her answer was not what I wanted to hear. She told me she saw me taking care of kids, so I wouldn’t be following my dream. I remember thinking at the time that she was wrong.

The Bestie and I moved to Dallas, and we were even in a band as backup singers, though I never sang at a gig. I didn’t intend to be a singer, but the Bestie didn’t want to audition alone.

As I’m living in Dallas at the age of 22, I do something stupid and rent a TV and VCR. (Should’ve put it on layaway.) The guy who delivered it talked to me for hours and forgot the remote. (I was too blind to see that he most likely forgot it on purpose.) Anyway, he promised to bring it the following week. I was okay with that.

When I look back at myself, there were two things I was terrified of. 1.) Being alone. 2.) Being a mom. I felt this drove my choices at the time. I didn’t think about what the reader said. Hell, I didn’t even listen to my intuition not to go on this date.

Back to the story. He comes back and does in fact ask me out, and I try to get out of it, claiming I didn’t feel well. He said it was just dinner, and I acquiesced and went. I was full of bravado that night, saying I didn’t want to fall in love until I was 25 and didn’t want to have kids until I was 30. (I should’ve stuck with that mantra.)

So we have dinner, and I’m feeling much better, and we are going to go dancing. As we are leaving his car and walking to the club, a game is letting out at Reunion Arena. People, of course, are excited, and someone hollers out about how hot I am or something. The delivery guy looks at the sky and then at me and says how lucky he is to be with me. Being an insecure, lonely woman, this is fucking catnip for my soul. (At this point you could insert Garbage’s Stupid Girl and I wouldn’t disagree.) We get to the club, and while I hope we’re going to dance, he doesn’t. He just watches. I’m kind of bummed because I thought I was going to have a person who was into dancing.

That’s the thing about this relationship. In the few hours we talked when he delivered the TV and VCR, before this date was on my radar, he told me everything I needed to hear. He wanted to be a musician; he wanted to be an actor, and on and on. I thought I had found the person who understood my dreams and my aspirations. This was not the case. (I was still writing back then, and even though he never read a word, he could call it a Barbie Doll fantasy. Of course, he said this after I started seeing the truth of the situation. Belittling would allow him to control me.)

After the club, we came back to my place, where he stayed for 2 days and then went home and got his stuff and moved in. (Crank Stupid Girl because it’s about to get worse.)

In the last two days, he has told me he loved me, and I said it back. On the third day, we are lying on the floor in front of the fireplace and he proposes. I remember being taken aback as no one had ever asked me. Then I really hadn’t dated much. I looked at him and remember saying; I don’t know you well enough. (Really, you don’t know him well enough, but you let him move in with you. I look back and want to shake myself for being so dumb.) I told him, maybe in a few years once we knew each other, then we could.

Full stop on the dream. Time to conquer your fears. 1.) You won’t be alone. 2.) You get to be a mom, and I mean a full-time mom, as their mother would be out of the picture for a bit.

Going back to what that reader said, well, she obviously was right. I was with the ex-hubby for almost 4 years. We got married on the third anniversary of our first date. The girls were 4 and 6 when they came into my life. I exited when they were 8 and 10. Leaving them was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I knew for me it was the right choice. (Though I think that was one thing that held me back from having a kid of my own. I never wanted to go through that loss again. My grandmother experienced it when she lost my mom.)

Before I ever married him, my mother would tell me he just wanted me to be a built-in babysitter for the kids. I denied it, as that was what my mom felt about my stepfather at a certain point. Looking back, though, I know there was some truth in that statement. Even the ex’s parents said I gave the kids stability. The youngest gave me her unsolicited opinion a few years ago. She said that I was basically a baby raising them and gave up a lot to do it.

There is a fine line when I look back at that time in my life. I loved being a mom; I truly did, but I see a lot that I gave up. I also see how it made me look at things differently as I went through my life. While I don’t regret being a mom, it was a great experience, sometimes I wish I could go back and tell myself that the fear is just a trap. Once you’re ensnared, a prison of your own making awaits. I’m just glad that I knew that if I stayed, I would’ve been miserable and that eventually I wouldn’t be needed as the kids got older. I’m happy that a friend and her mom gave the opportunity to get out and change my life.

The truth was the reader was right, and sometimes we fall in love instantly.

But is it really love when you have doubts in the back of your mind? That’s a story for another day.